


Teach a Time Lord How To Text

by thebaddestwolf



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluffy, multi chapt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-13
Updated: 2014-06-23
Packaged: 2018-01-24 16:08:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1611245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thebaddestwolf/pseuds/thebaddestwolf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A series chronicling tentoo’s foray into texting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Brevity (or the Lack Thereof)

10:21 a.m.

_Doctor I’m queueing at the bank and can’t pick up, is everything alright?_

Rose, you know I refuse to communicate through this method.

_Well I thought if something was so important you had to ring me seven times in the span of five minutes it might be worth breaking your vow against texting._

10:27 a.m.

As I’ve explained to you several times now, this is an extremely archaic and inefficient form of communication. Texting is the modern equivalent of the Pony Express, except now everyone has much faster, digital horses and the art of letter writing has long been lost. It’s ridiculous — you lot have the ability to speak to one another no matter where you are on the globe, and yet everyone prefers to spend their time hunched over the phones and pecking away at the screens. But you lose SO MUCH that way, Rose. That last sentence for example — I had to capitalize two words just so you might have an idea at where I am placing emphasis. I had to capitalize them and hope you inferred my meaning correctly. And there’s no way to communicate inflection or sarcasm or laughter or hesitancy or enthusiasm! Okay, well, sure the exclamation point hints at enthusiasm I’ll give you that, but the main tragedy of the matter is th

_Haha, you must have exceeded the word limit for one message._

_And that’s how you communicate laughter, Doctor — haha._

_Or, if you’re really laughing, hahaha._

_Or, if you’re queueing in a quiet, posh bank trying not to giggle aloud as you read about your mate texting you to express his disdain for texting, ahahahaha._

How do you communicate the OPPOSITE of laughing? Because that’s what I’m doing right now. I’d written at least two more bleeding paragraphs and made several impressive points backed up with strong, historical facts. Please imagine the face I am making right now.

_Ahahahahaha_

That’s quite rude, Rose Tyler. And how long is this queue at your bank? Seems like you’ve been waiting for an absurd amount of time.

_Oh, I left the bank before you’d even sent your little tirade. I’m at Tesco now._

_*Tecso. I’ll never get that right. Still want to find out why this universe inverted the S and the C by the way._

You left the bank and you didn’t ring me?

_Could tell you were typing — those three dots were moving. Didn’t want to interrupt some unprecedented Time Lord texting. Besides, it’s good practice for you. Once you start working at Torchwood you’ll have to answer emails on your mobile._

10:34 a.m.

I most certainly will not. Unless you’ve forgotten, Rose, we used to save the universe several times a week without having to send one measly email. We hardly ever even needed to make a telephone call, in fact, aside from that time we visited Glasgow 1934 and the Eubeuru virus that had sneaked on board the TARDIS began infecting one-third of the world’s population through the phone lines and we had to speak the chemical composition of the antidote into a telephone to smoke it out. But ASIDE from that, Rose, we saved the universe time and again with some good old fashioned ingenuity and creativity, with just a dash of luck. Like, for instance, do you remember that time we strung our trousers together to make a rop

_Oh yes, I remember that rop well._

I am the opposite of laughing, again. It cut me off, also again.

_I know you’d like your texting to mimic your speech pattern, Doctor, but you don’t have to try to send everything all in one message. Otherwise I reckon it will keep cutting you off._

Are you saying I’m long-winded?

_Yes._

Rude again!

_Hehe._

What’s that now?

_Hehe? That’s like haha, but cuter. Like a giggle._

Your giggle sounds nothing like “hehe.” That hardly does it justice.

_I know, but that’s just how people type it for some reason._

Well I, for one, will never be typing “hehe.”

10:49 a.m.

Are you out of Tecso yet?

_Yep, bought a coffee and now I’m waiting for the bus._

Can I ring you now?

_The traffic is really noisy, not sure I could hear you if you did. You realize you could have told me what you were calling me about ten times by now._

It’s the principle of the matter — I don’t want to say it over text.

_Whatever, I’m sure you’ll be addicted to your mobile like everyone else soon enough._

I most certainly WILL NOT. I’m insulted you think so little of me, that I would assimilate to this media obsessed society that easily. Don’t you remember the first time we came here? Everyone was so wrapped up in the entertainment streaming through their earbuds they didn’t realize their planet was being taken over until their brains were being cut out of their skulls and shoved into Cybermen.

_You think we’re in danger of being Cyberised, do you?_

No, of course not, we made sure that wouldn’t happen again. But who’s to say mobiles and texting and, what’s it called, social media?, aren’t merely distraction tactics used to divert people’s attention from other nefarious plots that are going on right under their noses.

_You’re just upset that you type so slowly, aren’t you?_

No, that’s not it. Besides, it’s not my fault these blasted mobile screens are so tiny. I’m at a disadvantage with my large manly, hairy hands.

_I told you that your phone has a voice command feature — you can speak and it will type out your text for you. Thought you’d love that!_

I did try it, actually, but the phone doesn’t use the Oxford comma and I had to go back and manually enter it, which became quite tedious. I don’t dare try to communicate in writing without the use of the Oxford comma, Rose, there’s no telling how my meaning could be misconstrued. Why the use of the Oxford comma is even OPTIONAL is beyond me.

This phone also cannot spell the name of any planet that is not in this one solar system. Do you realize how ridiculously small minded that is? That the maker of this voice command technology never thought anyone would ever need to text about a planet that is not within stargazing distance from Earth? It’s COMPLETELY PREPOSTEROUS.

_Completely._

Are you laughing? You didn’t say “haha.”

_I am laughing, a bit._

Rude.

Haha.

11:11 a.m.

_It’s so typical that you just missed my call._

11:18 a.m.

Oh, sorry! Tony and I had a bit of a squirt gun fight and, well, some water got on the mobile and I couldn’t remember if it was water resistant or not, so I took it apart and ran the sonic hair-dryer over it for a few minutes just to be certain I hadn’t damaged anything. Seems to be in working order, though.

_You went through a lot of trouble to save a piece of technology you don’t hold in high regard._

Well Pete gave it to me just a week ago and I didn’t want to have ruined it so soon.

_That’s considerate of you. And FTR they are water resistant._

FTR?

_For the record._

Ah. Brilliant!

_Well I’m walking up the drive now. When I get in will you tell me why you rang in the first place?_

Nah nevermind. It’s irrelevant now.

_Oh come on, you can’t not tell me after all that._

Well it doesn’t matter because you’re nearly here.

_Just because I’m here means you suddenly don’t have to tell me about the thing that was so important you called me seven times in a row?_

I never said I was ringing to TELL you something, exactly.

_Well, what did you ring about that will suddenly be irrelevant the moment I walk in the door?_

Just wanted to hear your voice.

 


	2. Acronyms (and Their Questionable Time-Savings)

2:12 p.m.

FWIW Rose IDG why JT is >:( @ me ATM. IMHO JT should’ve LMK neuestronal stinkbugs were NSFS. INMF! 

_Oh god, Doctor did you taser yourself again? Thought Jake showed you which bits of the gun were and were not okay to lick._

Hrmph, I did not TASER myself. This week, anyhow. 

_Well my second guess was going to be you forgot how to speak English, so I’m glad that’s not the case either. What’s with the code?_

It’s not CODE. I was thinking about the acronyms you use when we text sometimes -- FYI, FTR, BRB -- and I decided to find out if there were any more. So I logged onto my computer and clicked on the Internet and found a MASSIVE list with 327 abbreviations that teens use for texting! Three hundred twenty seven, Rose! 

_For someone looking to save time typing, you just spelled out 327…_

Almost all grammatical style guides agree that you must spell out a number when it is at the beginning of a sentence. 

_I see. Well if you decide not to follow AP Style to the T in our text conversations I won’t hold it against you. Besides, what would the MLA creators think of that acronym-filled sentence?_

Ah, right. Good point! TY. 

_YW. Haha. Now do you want to decode whatever it is you were talking about? What did you do with the stinkbugs -- you know they were meant to stay in the laboratory._

Decoding completely defeats the timesaving purpose, but alright. 

“For what it’s worth Rose I don’t get why Jackie Tyler is angry at me at the moment. In my humble opinion Jackie Tyler should have let me know neuestronal stinkbugs were not safe for school. It’s not my fault!” 

_Hahaha_

What? 

_When has your opinion ever been humble?_

Ugh. 

_I’m kidding, Doctor. Or should I say, JK! I hope reading about teen texting shortcuts isn’t turning you into one._

_And you should have known stinkbugs wouldn’t be allowed at Tony’s school. Especially since they weren’t supposed to even leave the lab! Did you get them back or have they infested all of North London by now?_

I have them all, NBD. But JSYK UR mum told me to GTFO and that she DGAF that it was rainy and IDK where my jacket was! I’m sopping wet ATM. 2day has not been GR8. 

_Aw I’m sorry! You poor thing -- she shouldn’t yell at you like that. I think she’s upset about more than just the stinkbugs, though. Are you someplace dry now?_

Yes, I’m @ the coffee shop next 2 Tecso. And what else could JT B upset AB? 

_Doctor, you’re starting to text like Mickey, you know that?_

Hrmph, am not. And don’t avoid the question. Why else is Jackie upset? 

_Don’t you mean JT?_

Rose, OMG. 

_Haha, alright alright. I mean, she’s probably still upset about last night._

Why would SHE be upset about last night? 

_She walked in on us!_

Yes, exactly. SHE invaded OUR privacy! And interrupted that new and exciting thing you were doing with your tongue. 

_Doctor, we were in the sitting room._

IKR, but we had the door CLOSED. And she and Pete had already gone up to bed! 

(BTW, IKR = I Know, Rose. I’ve adapted it.) 

_Still, it was probably a shock when she came in to ask us to move the washing to the dryer and then found you on top of me._

A shock, sure, but IDG why she should be upset. We were both completely decent. Well, from her vantage point, anyway. 

_Haha. SMH._

Good one! Now you’re getting it! 

2:25 p.m. 

And FTR, Rose, last night never would have happened if you’d let me sleep in your room. She couldn’t be angry at us if she walked in on us snogging and we were in your bedroom. Or my bedroom, I suppose, but you have more clothes than me so it makes much more sense for me to move into your room. Well that, and your room smells nicer. 

_Doctor, you know I’d love for you to move to my room, it’s just…_

It’s just what? 

_Well, the last time you slept in my room we almost-- And I want to, I really do you know that, but I’m worried that everything is happening so fast. You’re just starting at Torchwood and we’re still finding our footing. And I’m SO happy, Doctor, but I’m also… NVM._

Hang on, got to look that one up. 

Ah -- nevermind. Brilliant! Anyway. You can tell me, Rose. You’re also what? 

_Scared._

Oh. I see. 

_Don’t get upset. I’m mostly excited -- just a bit scared too. I love the life we’re building together, but sometimes I worry about what might happen if I actually have everything I’ve ever wanted._

_Does that make any sense?_

Yes, it does. I had that thought once, too. But then you placed your hand on my chest and I whispered in your ear and I realized having everything I ever wanted wasn’t so scary after all. 

_:’)_

But it’s okay, Rose. We’ll take it as slow as you’d like. Besides -- the wall between our rooms is thin and sometimes, when you’re loud, I can hear. My imagination can fill in the blanks for now. :-P 

_Doctor!!!_

Haha! :-D 

_I have half a mind to come down to that coffee shop and smack you._

Please do! I’m quite bored. 

_Told you a day off would drive you bonkers._

You were right -- I don’t know how to relax. In theory, yes. IRL, no. Learning this acronym list has been a worthwhile endeavour, though, or it will be once I teach them all to you. 

_Hah, great. Can’t wait. Have you made flashcards?_

No, but that’s a brilliant idea! I’ll ask the barista if he has any. 

_I was joking!_

Oh. Once again proving there should be a sarcasm font. 

_Okay, how about next time I’m being sarcastic I’ll say ~great~ and that way you’ll know?_

Perfect! I wonder if you can email that suggestion to the curator of the teen text abbreviation list. 

_~I’ll look into that right away.~_

Cheeky. 

_:)_

2:33 p.m. 

I actually have a new acronym I would like to submit. 

_Oh yeah? What?_

ROTGL. 

_...like ROTFL? Rolling on the floor laughing?_

Yes! At first that one confused me, because how often do you see people rolling on the floor laughing? Hardly ever! But then I remembered that time before Scotland, well when we THOUGHT we were going to 1979, and the TARDIS had a bit of a shaky landing and we fell to the grating, but for whatever reason it tickled our funny bones so we were on our backs, ROTGL! 

_Rolling on the grating laughing!_

Yep! 

_That’s brilliant. You should submit that._

Did you forget the new sarcasm marks? 

_Nope. :)_

:-) 

_I like that you give all of your smiley faces a nose._

Well I wasn’t going to say anything, but I find it quite alarming yours DON’T have a nose. It’s like Voldemort is grinning at me. 

_Lol! And shh, you know they don’t have those books here._

Eugh, don’t remind me. What a shame. Once the TARDIS sapling is full size the first thing we’re going to do is right that wrong. The timestreams must be off -- a world without Harry Potter is not right, I don’t care what universe we’re in. 

_Sounds like a plan to me._

2:40 p.m. 

Rose, I have a question -- and don’t get upset, I’m just curious. 

_Oh boy. Okay, go ahead._

So, the TARDIS should be all grown up in about five months. Do you think I’ll have moved into your bedroom by then, or…? 

_That’s it, no couch snogging for you tonight, mister._

:-( 

_Oops. ~No couch snogging for you tonight, mister.~_

:-D 

_But yes, I think we’ll have consolidated bedrooms before then. Don’t worry. xx_

What’s that on the end there? A typo? 

_The xx? Those are kisses!_

They are? How on earth is an X a kiss? 

_Dunno, but an x has symbolized a kiss long before texting. Haven’t you seen xoxo? That means hugs and kisses._

How strange. x Hm, I quite like it, actually. x xx xxx xxxx 

_Those all for me?_

Of course. 

_:)_

2:46 p.m. 

_I just thought of an acronym I’d like to add to the list. Something I said to you once when a black hole was looming overhead. The night of our very first x._

Oh yeah? What is it? 

_SWYTNSB._

Yeah? 

_Yes._

xx


	3. Megapixels (and Some Subsequent Mischief)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is interspersed with photos. If it looks wonky on here I suggest reading it over on [my tumblr](http://thebadddestwolf.tumblr.com/post/86645035984/fic-teach-a-time-lord-how-to-text-3-4).
> 
> And a MASSIVE thank you to [littlewhomouse](http://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleWhoMouse) who went above and beyond helping me with the manips in this chapter. <3

4:13 p.m.

_Doctor, mum just texted me to say you’ve been locked in the loo for the last 15 minutes. Everything alright? You’ll miss your appointment if you don’t leave soon._

No, Rose, everything is NOT alright. I was all set to go and I did a final check in the mirror to make sure my hair hadn’t gotten floppy (I still maintain that this universe’s humidity levels are slightly elevated and, therefore, not ideal for hairstyling, BTW) only to discover that there are BRIGHT RED MARKS on my neck where you kept BITING ME last night.[[MORE]]

_Hahahaha!_

_Well, it’s hardly my fault your neck looks so succulent. Nor is it my fault that you’re taller than me and that our height difference results in your neck hovering just inches from my mouth when… we do the thing we were doing last night._

_Besides, you seemed to enjoy the biting. And the sucking. I know you did, there was moaning. :P_

Alright, fine, I did enjoy it. You are rather good at the biting and the sucking, on the neck and in other areas (well, the latter in other areas, not the former, please). But I didn’t realize I was going to be MARKED. Now when I go out in public everyone will know what I was up to last night!

_Oh come on, you’re being a bit dramatic. How bad is it?_

There is a large, dark red splotch on the left side of my neck with a smaller, lighter splotch just next to it. And then there’s a smattering of splotches lower down on my chest, which must have been from when I grabbed the headboard for leverage.

_Gah, Doctor you can’t remind me of stuff like that in public! Now I’m blushing at the hair salon._

Oops. Well, then I probably shouldn’t mention that I was just thinking about when I did that, you arched into me and your nails dug into the skin beneath my shoulderblades. And I especially won’t remind you about the string of expletives that fell from your lips a moment later, muffled by the very spot on my chest that now has an unsightly mark!

_Oh god._

Oh yes thanks for reminding me, you said that too. Several times, in fact.

_I can sense your smugness from here._

:-D

But anyway, Rose, how do I hide these things? I tried to use some of your liquid foundation but that made my skin-tone uneven, so I added more and more until my whole neck was covered in it, and then it got on my shirt! So I had to hop in the shower and changes my clothes. Now I’m back to square one.

_Hahaha omg. Why don’t you send me a photo so I can assess the damage._

4:19 p.m.

_Doctor?_

I keep trying to take a photo but since I have to turn the phone around I can’t see what I’m doing and the shots are all sideways!

_See that little icon in the top right of your screen with the arrows? Touch that and it will activate the lens facing you._

Oh, brilliant! Alright, hang on.

_Haha aww! Well those aren’t so bad, considering. And I mean, this can’t be your first hickey._

Hrmph, it is not my FIRST HICKEY, as you very well know. But it’s the first one I’ve gotten in this body that hasn’t gone away by morning. You were certainly more ardent than usual last night. Not that I’m complaining.

_I was trying to be quiet! We don’t want a repeat of last week’s incident do we?_

NO! No, no, we don’t. Very good point. Suppose that is a good way to muffle your voice, so well done. If the tailor notices I’ll just tell him it’s not his bloody business.

_Haha Doctor, the tailor isn’t going to ask. I doubt anyone will even see it and, if they do, they’ll be polite enough not to mention it. I mean, I’m sure mum will say something, but that will be a minor embarrassment compared to last week._

Can we stop talking about last week! I’m already thinking about using the Torchwood lab to develop cerebral bleaching solution as it is.

_Jeesh, sorry! Won’t mention it again. Besides, you installed that extra lock on our bedroom door so now we’re sorted._

Yes, we’re sorted. And we are never, EVER, referencing that incident again starting… NOW.

_:X_

4:26 p.m.

Rose, you know I’m absolutely and completely committed to you right?

_Um, yes? Why??_

I just mean, if you need me to tell you that more I can. I thought it went without saying, what with the fact that I switched universes so I could be with you. You know, forever, like you said.

_You don’t have to tell me more often, I know that. But what brought this on? You’re kinda freaking me out!_

Well, first you marked me with hickies. And now this.

~I think you’re getting a TAD possessive.~

_:D :D Hahaha_

_You had me worried there for a bit! Forgot I did that -- got bored waiting for you to get the third bottle of wine out of the cellar last week. You know, before…_

Nothing. Before NOTHING.

_Right. Nothing. ;)_

4:39 p.m.

Jackie noticed.

_Uh oh. What did she say?_

It’s not what she said that’s the problem.

_How do you mean?_

She made me wear that HIDEOUS scarf she gave me at Christmas!

_Hahaha, no way. You really went out of the house in that thing? I don’t believe it._

YES. At first I was as outraged at the suggestion, but then I realized I might rather people think I own a horribly ugly scarf than the alternative.

_Than think you had amazing sex with a hot blonde?_

Well, when you put it like that I suppose it does seem a bit preposterous.

_A bit. Besides, there’s no way you’re actually wearing that thing. You literally flung it away from you once you got it out of the wrapping paper!_

I AM wearing it. Hang on, I’ll prove it.

_Oh. My. GOD._

Hah, told you!

_OH MY GODDDD_

What?

_I’m laughing so hard there are tears in my eyes and the hair stylist is giving me a look!_

What’s so funny? I told you I was wearing the scarf!

_Okay 1. You look so serious!! 2. Why are you at Parliament? 3. Did you ask a tourist to take that photo???_

1\. This is a serious matter. 2. It’s sunny out so I decided to walk to the tailor from the Embankment. 3. Yes I asked a tourist, had a nice chat with him too. American fellow, bit heavy-set so I gave him some brief nutrition counseling. How else would I get a photo of me and my scarf to prove to you that I was telling the truth?

_Haha oh boy. You could have taken a selfie like everyone else. Remember how I showed you to activate the front facing lens on your phone? Just do that and hold your arms out in front of you and voila -- selfie!_

You know I refuse to partake in that herd activity.

_Hrmph, that’s what you once said about texting. And now look at you._

~STFU~

_Rude! ;)_

;-)

5:26 p.m.

_I’m home! Finally. How are you?_

I’m good. Waiting around while the tailor makes some final alterations. How did things go at the salon?

_It came out well! Went a touch darker and added some layers. Otherwise not too different._

Let me see?

Oooh you look brilliant!

_Thanks! x_

_You really did leave it a mess in here, Doctor. There’s puddles of foundation everywhere._

I know you’re saying something but I can’t be expected to concentrate on anything other than that photo. All I can think about is undoing the rest of the buttons on that shirt.

_I would love that, but sadly I have to take it off soon so I can put on my dress._

Bollocks. Well maybe you could put the shirt back on after the gala so I can have a go at it.

_Haha sure, if you want. But I have a feeling once I have my dress off you won’t want me to put more clothing back on._

Ah yes. Well, another night then. You’ll wear that shirt, I’ll take it off.

_Deal._

Now, tell me about this dress.

_Black. Short. Tight._

Oh my, is that sort of thing appropriate for a fundraising gala?

_It is if your father is the the largest donor._

Excellent. Finally, Pete’s influence is working in my favor.

6:03 p.m.

Okay fine, I gave in and took a selfie of me in my suit. Do you want to see.

_Yes please!_

_Oh you look wonderful! Very handsome, Doctor._

Why thank you! And?

_And ~a little bit foxy~_

Those sarcasm marks hurt, Rose.

_I’m joking!_

I know. :-)

_You do look foxy. Some might say sexy, even._

With me in my new suit and you in your tight, short, black dress, we’ll make quite the aesthetically pleasing pair.

_We will indeed. And your hickey is still visible so everyone will know you’re taken. ;)_

Well if that’s how people are expressing their relationship status these days I’ll just have to give YOU a hickey before we go.

_Don’t you dare! First of all, that would completely ruin my neckline. Second of all, you can’t just give me a hickey and then… leave me hanging!_

Can’t I? Because I remember spending several months with the two of us doing exactly that. ;-P

_Hah! Fair enough._

_I have an idea though._

Yeah? What’s that?

_I’ve been to this hotel ballroom before. There’s a little hidden balcony just off the main dance floor. We just have to remember to lock the door behind us. And we won’t have to worry about being quiet -- the music will be so loud no one will be able to hear. :D_

Rose Tyler, you are brilliant. I don’t tell you that enough.

_No, you really don’t. xx_

Okay, the suit’s ready and I’m catching a cab home. See you soon!

_See you! Mum says don’t be late or she’ll leave without you. (But I won’t, don’t worry.)_

Oh, I’ll be there. Need to see you in that dress, after all.

_:D Speaking of which, I should go put it on. Will think of you when undoing the buttons on my shirt._

I told the cab driver to step on it.

8:44 a.m.

_Went out for coffee and paracetamol. Found this outside our bedroom door._


	4. Sexting (After a Few False Starts)

9:19 a.m.

Rose, don’t forget to pack the sonic hairdryer. I left it on the kitchen table so you’d see it -- added a couple additional functions, too. Click the green button twice for extra-straight and click the blue button rapidly three and a half times for crimping.

_I’ve packed it, thanks! But crimping? When have you ever seen me crimp my hair??_

Ah, thought of that last month when we got stuck in 1980! Such an interesting hair style, wanted to make sure the hair dryer had that option for the next time we visit. Purposefully, of course. Don’t fancy getting stuck to the fin of that timefish again, that was a rather unpleasant journey.

_Agreed. I’ll add that to our list of trips to take when the TARDIS is ready._

Good idea! That list must be quite long now, isn’t it?

_Let’s see… 237 trips and counting! We’ll certainly have our work cut out for us._

And only our whole lives to do it. :-)

_Can’t wait. :) Okay, I better finish packing before the taxi arrives. Remember to buy milk tonight, we’re nearly out and Tony might want some when he visits on Friday._

Milk, got it. Will do. Might buy some lager while I’m at it. Isn’t that what men are supposed to do while the missus is away and they’ve got the flat to themselves? Get drunk, watch football?

_Suppose, but that doesn’t sound like something you’d enjoy._

Nah, you’re right. Maybe I’d like getting drunk and working on the TARDIS, but then I might get carried away and program her to create a banana grove or a top hat emporium. Not that either of those are bad ideas, especially the former, but they’re decisions I should make with a clear head.

_~Yeah, nothing like waking up with a bad hangover and then remembering you created a banana grove in a drunken stupor.~_

Haha! Well, I could also flip the wrong switch and mistakenly send her into a premature launch sequence.

_Dunno, you’ve never had a problem with launching prematurely before. ;)_

Rose Tyler!

_:D Alright gotta run! Will call before the zeppelin takes off._

Sounds good. Speak to you soon. x

1:10 p.m.

Just landed.

Gutentag!

_Gutentag :)_

_I hope the TARDIS is ready next time I have to go to a foreign conference so she can translate for me. I know German is supposed to be very close to English but I still can’t wrap my head around it._

Well this universe’s German dialect is slightly different from back home, due to some minor variations in the Huns’ migration patterns in the 7th century, so that could explain why you’re having trouble. When is your next foreign conference?

_Dubrovnik in 3 months._

No problemo, the TARDIS should be ready in plenty of time. Not only will she be able to translate for you while there, but on the journey you can spend time in the new banana grove.

(Since we last spoke I decided, soberly, that I would in fact like a banana grove.)

_Haha, great!_

_Oh, wait. No, I’m still mad at you! Almost forgot. Hrmph._

What?? Why??

O:-)

_Ugh. You know exactly why._

I was just reminiscing about last night. Besides, you’re the one who started it, telling me you STOLE my shirt to sleep in.

_Right, and the obvious jump from there is to remind me of what we did in bed last night. In graphic detail, I might add. How silly of me to have brought up the fact that I BORROWED your t-shirt._

Dunno what the problem is. You didn’t seem to mind when we talked before you boarded.

_Hrmph. Didn’t mind at the time, but then I spend two hours on a zeppelin and the little TVs were broken and I forgot to buy a magazine so I just had to sit there. Staring at nothing. Thinking about last night._

Again, what’s the problem? ;-)

_Ugh, Doctor! Now I have to go to meetings with lots of brawny, blond German agents. If I wind up in a coat room with one of them it’s your fault, just remember that._

Rose!

_Whoops. Forgot the sarcasm font. ;)_

I was worried for a minute there TBH.

_Were you really?_

No.

_Lol, well good._

But just in case, if you find yourself alone in a romantic situation with a German, just remember the chain of events from last night that led to the formation of ten fingernail-shaped lacerations on my shoulders. Oh, and I have a time machine.

_Fiiiiine, I’ll try to keep my hands off Hans. Even though he offered me a ride on his moped. ;)_

Time machine, Rose!

_Right. Gotta keep you around until I at least test out that banana grove._

~Careful, or I’ll restrict your access.~

_Careful or I’ll restrict YOUR access._

That’s not what you said last night. :-D

_o.O_

_Haha alright, off to meeting number one! Or, ehm, number ein._

Hope it goes well! Don’t let Hans get handsy.

_I was waiting for that. Talk soon. x_

4:43 p.m.

_Can you ring me?_

Sorry I can’t, I’m in this dreadful seminar on Neptovian chemical elements. Pete asked me to attend so I’m sticking it out, but this professor has no idea what he’s talking about. I could be teaching this bloody thing!

_Can’t you pop out for a bit?_

I’d have to walk past the professor to leave and, considering I’ve interrupted him about seven times to correct the plethora of inaccuracies he’s been spewing, I think he’d notice. Everything alright?

_Oh, okay. Yeah everything’s fine. Managed to escape to my hotel room for an hour break, was hoping we could pick up that phone call where we left off._

Ah, so Hans wasn’t down for the coat room, then?

_Nah, he suggested the broom closet but I told him I’m far too classy for that. ;)_

Really? You weren’t too classy for broom closets a few months ago when we were hiding from the Daathraak henchmen on Eehg 7.

_True, but there were extenuating circumstances._

Remind me of those again?

_Well first off, your standard-issue servant’s kilt was rather short. And it was so tight in that closet we couldn’t even stand -- had to sit on that one chair, which led to me sitting on your lap, which led to you getting all handsy._

Oi, I might have been able to keep my hands to myself if you hadn’t wriggled about so much. Mind you, it wasn’t likely, but I could have stood a chance at least.

_Mm, well I’m glad you didn’t. How long were we in there anyway?_

Oh, nearly an hour I reckon. Got two good shags in. We should try that first thing again sometime, Rose, we haven’t done it since!

_Which did we do first?_

Oh you remember -- you were sitting on my lap facing forward, wriggling about as you do, so I stilled you with my hand on your hip and my lips on your neck. And you stopped as I intended, but then I realized that wouldn’t do so I tried to get you to start again by inching my hand up under the hem of your dress.

And your breath caught a little but you stayed still, so while that hand continued on its path I moved my other hand -- the one that had been holding your hip -- upwards to your breasts. You didn’t have a bra on for some reason, and the fabric of your dress was incredibly thin (you must have been very cold after we escaped) so I could instantly feel that your nipples were already hard.

Why weren’t you wearing a bra, anyway?

Rose?

_Something about servants not being allowed the privilege of underwear. Same reason you didn’t have pants on under your kilt, I bet._

Ah, right. Well anyway, I rolled your already-erect nipple between my thumb and index finger and that did the trick! You made that lovely little sound at the back of your throat (but not too loud so the henchmen wouldn’t hear) and arched into me like you had before, which I liked very much.

Made my kilt ride up and that was especially convenient, because my other hand was steadily inching up the inside of your thighs, which you had thoughtfully parted for me, and then you shifted again and the part of me that was quickly becoming hard was sliding through your folds, which were quickly becoming wet.

Must say I disagree with the practice of not giving servants basic underwear, for hygiene reasons among other things, but it really did work in our favor that day didn’t it?

Rose?

_Just keep talking._

Are you busy? We can continue this discussion another time. My trousers are feeling a bit tight as it is.

_Oh no you don’t, you’re not gonna do that to me again! Get me all hot and bothered and then swan off._

Hey, I didn’t ‘swan off’ the last time -- if anything you’re the one who swanned off on a zeppelin! And I didn’t realize you were ‘hot and bothered’ because you weren’t responding.

_I wasn’t responding because my hands were otherwise occupied._

Doing what?

_Lol Doctor!_

What?

Oh. Oh!

OMG Rose, are we sexting? Have we been sexting all this time and I didn’t even realize?

Wow that’s brilliant, I’ve always wanted to sext! Read up on it and everything.

_Haha oh my god, of course you have. Not sure if it counts as sexting if it’s one-sided though._

How is this one-sided? I’m finding it very enjoyable.

_Well good, so am I. So, ehm, please continue._

Ah yes, where was I? Let me scroll up.

_A bit of you that was becoming hard was sliding through a bit of me that was becoming wet. ;)_

Right! So that went on for a few moments, your hips moving back and forth and grinding yourself against me while my hand slipped down the top of your dress so I could touch you without the fabric in my way.

Your breaths were getting shallower so I kissed the side of your neck the way you like, latching on just under your jaw and sucking gently, twirling my tongue in patterns. That made the sounds at the back of your throat start up again, which made me even harder, but then I heard footsteps coming down the hall!

Don’t think you heard them though because you moaned softly, and then a little louder, so I had to take my hand from your breast and move it to cover your mouth, just to be safe. I could feel you pout and open your mouth to say something, but I whispered in your ear and then the footsteps got louder and you tensed, so I knew you heard them too.

But then -- and this is one of the many reasons you are so brilliant, Rose -- THEN just as the footsteps were passing outside the door to our little broom closet, you lifted up and sank down on me in one smooth motion, and then I was the one muffling my groan against your skin.

What are you wearing right now, Rose?

_What?_

Just want to get a mental image of you touching yourself before I go on. :-D

_Haha ugh Doctor you’re killing me. I’m in a gray pencil skirt and a light purple blouse. Had heels on but kicked them off before I lied down on the bed._

Ah, beautiful. Am I correct in surmising you’ve unbuttoned the blouse and the skirt is pushed up to your hips?

_Right you are. Can you continue now?_

Are you close, Rose?

_I was!_

Haha, alright alright I won’t stop again. Here we go…

So you sank down on me and it felt so good, Rose, think I bit your shoulder in an effort to keep quiet. The henchman had stopped just outside the door but that seemed to only spur you on and you started to move. Must have been a bit of an awkward position for you, and you could only lift up a bit, but every time you sat down I was SO deep.

The guard must have heard something because he just stood outside the door for a few moments but you kept going -- I could feel your breath hot and heavy against my palm and I had my eyes screwed shut and my mouth pressed to the back of your neck and, in retrospect I don’t think we were very quiet, but we were quiet enough, and he finally moved along.

You started moving your hips even faster and I knew I couldn’t last much longer, so I asked you to stay quiet and moved my hand from your mouth back to your breasts, and my other hand smoothed even further up your thigh until I reached your clit.

When I touched you there you turned your head so your mouth pressed into the side of my neck and you whimpered against my skin and, fuck, Rose I don’t know how I didn’t come at that sound. But somehow I didn’t and you kept moving, and I continued to stroke your clit with my thumb and pinch your nipples with my other hand, and your whimpers turned raspy and luscious and intoxicating.

I whispered your name and your eyes flew open to meet mine and you kissed me, one of those amazingly messy kisses where our noses bumped and our teeth clashed and our tongues weren’t quite in sync, and yet it was perfect for all its flaws.

You bit my bottom lip as you came silently, your breath caught in your chest and your body shaking, and that twinge of pain caused by your teeth was enough to send me tumbling with you, my hips arching off that rickety chair to push even deeper inside you. It’s really a wonder we didn’t break that damn thing.

Then, as for our second broom closet shag, we’d cleaned ourselves up and shared some soft, lazy kisses and after another twenty minutes had gone by we stood up to see if the coast was clear.

_Fuck._

Oh, hello. :-) Did you come?

_Yes._

_Twice :D_

Brilliant! Well done.

_No, well done you. x_

Why thank you. I’m glad we had a successful first sext. The seminar has ended and I’m waiting for everyone to trickle out… Don’t think I should stand up just yet.

_Well I’ve got another 20 minutes before I have to go to my next meeting. Call me when you get back to your office and I’ll walk you through the other broom closet shag._

Right! On my way now…

9:22 p.m.

_Oof, just got back to my hotel room. FINALLY. Had to go out for dinner and cocktails with the blokes from Germany. As pretty as they are to look at, they sure are shit conversationalists._

Aw, I’m sorry. Glad you’re back now. You deserve a rest.

_Thanks. What’d you get up to after work?_

Bought milk! And lager, just because, though I haven’t had any. I’ve mostly been mapping out the blueprints for the banana grove. Did you know there are over 70 species of bananas on Earth alone? That’s to say nothing of other sorts of variations of the musa genus found in nearby galaxies. I’d like to have a diverse crop so we’ll have to take a few trips to pick up the necessary seeds.

_Wow, I did not know that! Imagine all the trouble we could get into hunting down rare banana seeds..._

Ideally the sort of trouble that ends with us hiding in broom closets. :-)

_You sure do know the way to a girl’s heart, Doctor._

Well, I don’t know about ‘girls’ but I certainly know the way to yours.

_You really do. :) Alright, gonna turn in -- I’m knackered._

Okay, sleep well (in my shirt). Can’t wait for you to come home.

_Me too, Doctor. Thanks._

For what?

_The shirt. And for being my home._

Rose?

_Yeah?_

I love you.

_Don’t you mean ‘ily’? ;)_

Nope. Some things are worth spelling out.

_I love you too, Doctor._

<3 <3


End file.
